Thursday, January 06, 2005

waiting for life to begin

13 december, 2004

So I feel that I am waiting for life to begin… I am sitting all packed up, my new bright pink leather suitcase all packed up and ready to go… but where… and how… and with whom??
The contents keep changing, the location keeps changing, but the direction remains the same. Out, out there, beyond the crowds and the busyness and the pressure. Out there where the sun shines on your skin and everyone has enough to eat… where we all laugh together and eyes meet and remain comfortably connected.

I do not feel as if I am running… but that could be. I feel more that I am wanting to sit. Wanting calm. Wanting stillness and simplicity. But definitely wanting more. Would I be happy if I published a book? Created an organization? Made something others called art? Where does my significance come from and how to find it and retain it? Learning to live as a grown up is funny and hard…

Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting more when I have so much… I see pictures in my mind of Haitians and Cubans and Ugandans and wonder how I could possibly want more. But its not stuff that I want; not clothes and houses and things I can own and carry around with me. Its experiences, simplicity, purpose and adventure. A sense of knowing and understanding, and hopefully something coming from this knowing and understanding that I can offer the world and help it to be a slight bit better because I have lived.

Words come out of my mouth and thoughts arise that I realize that I need to spend more time thinking about and settling into. I never gave myself too much time for that. never let myself try things on and think about them… I was always quick to buy or reject, without considering waiting and thinking and letting ideas settle. Maybe that is what this time is, waiting to let things little a bit. Things have been really fast and rushed lately and I definitely live a fast paced existence. It is making me tired…

Oh to walk around and photograph and film and listen to people’s stories… to connect with others and offer what little I know. How little time for that we have in our lives anymore

i am in a bit of a slump, an inward one because others wouldn't recognize it... and maybe others live in this slump, not wanting to go to work, not being joyous and living fully and with passion, but that is not life to me. so i amstruggling to find out what my dreams are because i know that i am not living them now... as i laid in bed this morning and relaized that i couldn't go to work i started to imagine how wonderful it would be not to ever go back to work... to just explore and travel and be... but how do we do that??? how do we live the life we imagined when we were kids and 16 and all idealistic and so full of all of life??? things are not bad at the moment, i just know that right now, at 31, i feel i am wasting my time and my spirit is evaporating...time goes too fast to live to long in this feeling... and i am not sure of the next step... so many ideas and dreams!!! its hard to committ to one and pursue it!! this world is so crazy sometimes and all i want to dois add things or take away in a way that will help. and work on myself, a work that seems to get so little time and attention...i'm always so busy that i find myself often living without purpose and being so tired. and the time passes and i feel unsatisfied... but something will be around the corner, that i know... and i will not stay here, i will not live in this emotion. and hopefully it will bring me to a better place...