Tuesday, May 31, 2005

doors in calcata

doors in calcata
Originally uploaded by heathero.
calcata is an amazing little town built into a rock high up in italy... i visited there one sunday and i felt like i had traveled back in time and the day was much too short... i dream of returning to hike through the woods and throw pots and eat good food... a place far removed from the world..

my heart has changed since i took this photo and these doors that were closed have the possibility of opening... should i open them? would l like what i find inside? would i be disappointed? if i do open these doors, and of course you see that they are not really these doors, i must do so with absolutely no expectation, only with the idea of the moment, living purely in the moment, and not look for anything beyond the moment. throw away all ideas of security and future and promise and just take what is inside for what is is. that could actually be a beautiful thing, living in the moment with no expectation. i mean, what promise do we really have of a tomorrow?? so the question is, am i setting myself up for hurt or do i open these doors without exopecation, knowing that the end result could be heartache...

unrelated quote...
"be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

Monday, May 30, 2005

heart questions

love in the meat packing
Originally uploaded by heathero.

so lately i feel like you have to be some sort of genius to be in a relationship... i look at people who are married and my mind just does flips around all the questions that i think of. how did they get there?? it seems that everyone has such issues these days and the self is just so large and protective that people have a hard time letting others in. and for me it seems to be the ones that i don't want anything with that are there, open and calling, while i sit and wait for another to open his heart...

and then there's me, who one minute am so happy and content to be free and single... and in that moment i really believe that i could be this way for the whole of my life. and then something changes and i wish for someone to be with, i somehow feel like i am not living a full experience without someone to share my life with. someone to validate my experiences and offer support and be my dearest friend. i have believed for so long in this idea that you can have a love of your life, and that when you find that person he is ready for you and will do anything to be with you... but these days i am not so sure...

if only it were this simple... if only it were as simple as these three words... i love you, written on the side of a nyc building. i want it to be this simple. i want someone to love me and somehow know that is all that matters, the rest will work itself out... that love is not something that happens when you have all the details worked out and completely understand each other. love is the driving force to understand each other, and that understanding comes in years... there is no destination... there is only the journey, and once begun, the journey would be amazing...

"Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all; forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all." -G.K.Chesterton

Sunday, May 29, 2005

on the water

on the water
Originally uploaded by heathero.

this is where i want to be today... on the water. a sailboat would be lovely, but a sunny beach would do... feet all sandy and wet salty hair...
its memorial day weekend and it makes me so very happy that i do not have to work tomorrow... if only i had a beach. or even a boat dock on a little pond... i could roll my pants up and dangle my feet in the water and it would be calm and quiet and lovely...

instead i think i'll work on my roof garden. need to repot the apple trees (they actually have tiny apples!). and i noticed a tiny tomato yesterday on one of my tomato plants. hopefully the squirrels won't steal it...

this photo was actually taken during my time in italy (see below) sailing... made me feel so very removed from the world. and i was... in the middle of the sea all exposed and open and free.

it is fun to think of memorial day weekends from when i was a child. it always meant the beginning of summer and eating watermelon and popsicles. going swimming all day and running around town with wet hair and flipflops. the summer feeling was always amazing to me, the freedom of no school and days spent entirely outside... i think that tomorrow i will eat a popsicle and try to cultivate that feeling again...

happy weekend...

i want to try to have a quote a day... but no promises

"and that’s why i have to go back to so many places in the future, there to find myself and constantly examine myself with no witness but the moon and then whistle with joy, ambling over rocks and clods of earth, with no task but to live, with no family but the road."—pablo neruda

Saturday, May 28, 2005

room with a view

room with a view
Originally uploaded by heathero.

can you imagine... this place actually exists on the edge of the world... the place just in between reality and dreams. the island of giglio, just off the coast of italy...

and i was just there, only a month ago, living what felt like a dream... and now that's its over and i have returned here, its hard to imagine that it wasn't a dream.... the warm sun on my face, crisp, clean air to breathe... good food to eat and wine to drink...all for one week and then, it just ends. you can be in a a place that seems so perfect and so real and then you change your location a and it all disappears. the joys and sorrows of travel i guess...

that week was so full of surprises and joys that i have just begun to digest. all that happened and the way it affected me. i opened my heart up to something and am so glad that i did... still not sure what it all means and what will be come of it. will it remain open, will i regret allowing myself to be touched? will it bring me greater happiness? or sorrow? or will it all fade away as a memory, like the sunset that seems so breathtaking and then becomes a passing thought?? who is to say? how to know? and how to live in the uncertainty? i guess i just have to live the question...

10 stories above nyc

10 stories above nyc
Originally uploaded by heathero.
on monday i visited some roof gardens in manhattan that were so incredible and inspiring!! this was the view from the garden where i was standing. the plants were huge and old and established and i never wanted to go back down into the busy streets below... now i want to do so much in my own garden!! build a fence, and make it kind of mysterious and cool, which will take so much work and money... and then i get annoyed because that brings up so much other stuff... like how muchlonger am i going to be here, should i really invest money and time when i do not know... blah blah blah.
so for now i will do what i can for cheap, and that is a good challenge too because it forces me to be more creative and not just do it the easy and expensive way... i need to find wood, and use what is cheap and what i find... the time is not such an investiment as i will learn lots and enjoy the process...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


bored with rainy coldness when its supposed to be sunny spring almost summer and i want to be gardening
bored with havving a job where i do just about the same thing everyday
bored with subways at the same time going the same places, so very predictible
bored with my clothes
bored with shoes, want to run in the sand barefoot and not got in for days
bored with boys i like living far away and bored with being patient
i know i'm complaining but it feels good as everything else feels boring
bored with a schedule

ok, that feels better... a bit anyway

i just want to change things up a bit and see new faces and hear new voices... new music and new friends and new and newness

i d o n't w a n t b e u n g r a t e ful... its not that... its just that i like and crave change. but at least i will do something about this boredom and it will lead me to better things!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

may! post italia

italy was wonderful! a dream!! a dream that i didn't want to end...

and monday morning as i walked through the subway i realized that although i am physically back from italy, my mind, my senses, my appetite are all still there... waking up to the sweet smell of wisteria... drinking thick coffee and eating delicious food... feeling the sun on my skin and living the rythmn of ciao and grazie... looking into kind eyes and not worrying about a thing.

i realize that i also live in a vibrant city, though it may not be as beautiful and dynamic as rome... and i want to appriciate the place where i am instead of always wanting to be elsewhere...